In L4 compartment, seat 2D by the window side in the shutter train from Kuala Lumpur to Langkawi; the night outside was dark as usual but was decorated by the white and orange color street lights. As the train moved in the speed of 110km per hour, I could see buildings after buildings passing me by in the twinkle of the eye.
Silver tears was running down my cheeks. I didn't tried to hold them back. People who saw might just presume them as evidence of bitterness - A young man who have had a tough relationship with his girlfriend or that one of his parent has died.
Nobody would have expected, they were tears of joy and relieved.
After a month and 13 days of home-escaping experience, I have finally realized where I really belong.
Kuala Lumpur, is a modern city. It has almost everything - Sky-high buildings, entertainments, modern technologies, variety of people, abundance of job opportunities.....
I could stay a little more longer than 44 days. I could sleep a few more KL nights and woke up in a few more KL mornings. I could bare a little more longer and tolerate just long enough until August ends. And I could buy what I have always wanted to buy and eat whatever I wanted to eat. The money will allow my luxurious dream to come true.
It was really very tempting. It wasn't hard to choose wrong. It took a lot of my courage to choose the opposite; to turn my back on what money has to offer me.
I considered, I weighted and I struggled between choices.
And then in one KL morning that I realized, I was hardly living.
So what if I were wearing Calvin Klein, holding LV wallet and Gucci sunglasses; living the modern and luxurious KL life. Who will be there to notice me? Maybe I will get a few second of attention from people whom I pass by.
The few seconds of admiration, it is worth it? Again, Is it really worth it? When I have people, somewhat 200km from KL who would just give me their 100 percent attention, 100 percent of the time. People would feel proud of me and treat me as their precious even if I am just wearing a plain white T with no brand.
Yes. I cried tears.
I cried tears of joy that I still have people who would love me unconditionally. I cried tears of relived because I am finally going back to people I value and value me.
I finally left KL, back to a place I called home.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Note to a friend I once called 'brother'
Hi, it has been awhile since we last contacted each other. I wish you are well.
Our friendship has been like this. Hot and cold. One minute, we were the best of friends in the eyes of others, another moment we were in cold wars. Our relationship is funny, don't you think?
Why was that? I didn't know.
If there is a middle person between us, I will tell that person that you are emotionally unstable, you are hard to understand, you wanted to avoid me, and I might even say, you are just insane.
You might want to complain to that person that I am finding fault with you, I never try to understand you, I always say something that provoke your feelings, I often try to test your temper and so forth.
But however serious our quarrels, we used to get back together as good friends again.
Sometimes, I really think many of the quarrels that we had were unnecessary. Some were caused by my jealousy, some were caused by your poor management of EQ.
We tried to improve every time. I changed to be a little less jealous while you worked on your temper. Bit by bit.
We both tried.
Anyhow, the root to the problem isn't solved. We still fight over small matters.
So where is the root to the problem? What caused all the quarrels and cold wars?
Bad communication would be the answer I suggest.
Let's admit that we are both flawed. You are bad in expressing yourself and just keep things to yourself while I am bad in understanding people and claim to understand everything.
Recently, I have read something on communication. To my horror, from the book, I have discovered how lousy I actually was as a listener. I hardly really listened to people. I only listened with the intention to comment and give advice to others. I assumed everybody's stories are like mine - like I have been through the same thing, the same situation and the same experience.
I often forfeit your right to express yourself by telling you my own stories, what I have experienced and how I successfully overcome the problems.
Maybe due to that, you have lost confident in me. You rather not talk to me about your problems and just keep them to yourself.
I really feel guilty for that.
Another reason why our friendship always fail is that - our relationship is not a win-win relationship.
There is always someone who needs to sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes it's me, and sometimes it's you.
We thought if we could just compromise for once, then the problem will be solved and the product is that we can save our friendship.
But the real fact is, we have headed for win-lose relationship.
We tolerated each others weaknesses in silence. We seldom voice it out because every time we did so in the past, we quarreled.
Every time we 'swallowed' our dissatisfaction towards the other, the needle of the time bomb clicked once towards the time of explosion.
I must said, we both have scarified in order to keep our friendship working.
Yes, we did make our friendship lasted a little longer but the price is, we are more and more prone to changing who we are just to keep ourselves together. We couldn't truly be who we are.
Until a certain stage, we repel each other in great force; just like what happened weeks ago.
The friendship we have cherished us in many moments, but it has also worn us out too often.
Until we can solve our communication problems and achieve win-win relationship, we will still reap the same frustration and anger if we get back too each other again continue doing what we have always done - compromise and pretend to forgive.
When win-win solution is not attainable. There is still another option.
The 3rd option would be. No deal.
No deal might be a good solution before win-win can be achieved.
No deal doesn't mean we are not being friends with each other. We will still be friends, we will still talk and meet each other. Just that, we will never expect "best-friend-treatment" from each other anymore.
We will be free to be ourselves again. Never have to try to change ourselves to fit into another's behavior or temper.
Will we be best friend again?
Maybe.
Yes - If we can achieve win-win relationship. When we have gather enough faith in each other once again.
Even if we won't. I still believe you are a good friend.
Our friendship has been like this. Hot and cold. One minute, we were the best of friends in the eyes of others, another moment we were in cold wars. Our relationship is funny, don't you think?
Why was that? I didn't know.
If there is a middle person between us, I will tell that person that you are emotionally unstable, you are hard to understand, you wanted to avoid me, and I might even say, you are just insane.
You might want to complain to that person that I am finding fault with you, I never try to understand you, I always say something that provoke your feelings, I often try to test your temper and so forth.
But however serious our quarrels, we used to get back together as good friends again.
Sometimes, I really think many of the quarrels that we had were unnecessary. Some were caused by my jealousy, some were caused by your poor management of EQ.
We tried to improve every time. I changed to be a little less jealous while you worked on your temper. Bit by bit.
We both tried.
Anyhow, the root to the problem isn't solved. We still fight over small matters.
So where is the root to the problem? What caused all the quarrels and cold wars?
Bad communication would be the answer I suggest.
Let's admit that we are both flawed. You are bad in expressing yourself and just keep things to yourself while I am bad in understanding people and claim to understand everything.
Recently, I have read something on communication. To my horror, from the book, I have discovered how lousy I actually was as a listener. I hardly really listened to people. I only listened with the intention to comment and give advice to others. I assumed everybody's stories are like mine - like I have been through the same thing, the same situation and the same experience.
I often forfeit your right to express yourself by telling you my own stories, what I have experienced and how I successfully overcome the problems.
Maybe due to that, you have lost confident in me. You rather not talk to me about your problems and just keep them to yourself.
I really feel guilty for that.
Another reason why our friendship always fail is that - our relationship is not a win-win relationship.
There is always someone who needs to sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes it's me, and sometimes it's you.
We thought if we could just compromise for once, then the problem will be solved and the product is that we can save our friendship.
But the real fact is, we have headed for win-lose relationship.
We tolerated each others weaknesses in silence. We seldom voice it out because every time we did so in the past, we quarreled.
Every time we 'swallowed' our dissatisfaction towards the other, the needle of the time bomb clicked once towards the time of explosion.
I must said, we both have scarified in order to keep our friendship working.
Yes, we did make our friendship lasted a little longer but the price is, we are more and more prone to changing who we are just to keep ourselves together. We couldn't truly be who we are.
Until a certain stage, we repel each other in great force; just like what happened weeks ago.
The friendship we have cherished us in many moments, but it has also worn us out too often.
Until we can solve our communication problems and achieve win-win relationship, we will still reap the same frustration and anger if we get back too each other again continue doing what we have always done - compromise and pretend to forgive.
When win-win solution is not attainable. There is still another option.
Win-win relationship is a deal. Both parties get what they want and nobody have to scarify or extensively compromise to maintain the relationship.
Win-lose relationship is also a deal. One party has to constantly tolerate the other and compromise extensively to maintain the relationship.
The 3rd option would be. No deal.
No deal might be a good solution before win-win can be achieved.
No deal as in, nobody has to compromise nor scarify anything to maintain the relationship. Just set the bond free.
No deal doesn't mean we are not being friends with each other. We will still be friends, we will still talk and meet each other. Just that, we will never expect "best-friend-treatment" from each other anymore.
We will be free to be ourselves again. Never have to try to change ourselves to fit into another's behavior or temper.
Will we be best friend again?
Maybe.
Yes - If we can achieve win-win relationship. When we have gather enough faith in each other once again.
Even if we won't. I still believe you are a good friend.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Summary of first year in University: Intro
Adapting to the ever changing , growing up , making silly and painful mistakes, seeking for the right companions and struggling hard to survive the next day.
A year isn't really a long time. It can pass in just the twinkle of an eye. A year, sometimes isn't even long enough to allow a person to completely understand another nor himself. It isn't long enough for a student to learn the vast knowledge in this world. It isn't long enough for two lovers to feel that they have loved each other enough.
But a year... It is long enough to make a person feel tired. It is long enough to change a person's perception on something he used to believe in. It is long enough to make one feels confused. It is enough to make a confident person doubt himself.
Exactly a year ago, I was still wondering and feeling all excited about the life of a university student, just like a new born baby feeling excited about what life on earth can offer him.
I still haven't forgotten going to the internet goggling for the "Dos and don't s in college", asking friends who already had gone into colleges and universities to share out their experience and interesting stories, and I would enthusiastically listen to them and asked tons of questions; just like a child would excitedly listen to bed time stories and asked what happened to princes and princesses after the stories.
A year in university now. I have seen and experienced lives in university. I don't just listen to people's stories anymore. I am now a stories teller myself.
To be continued....
A year isn't really a long time. It can pass in just the twinkle of an eye. A year, sometimes isn't even long enough to allow a person to completely understand another nor himself. It isn't long enough for a student to learn the vast knowledge in this world. It isn't long enough for two lovers to feel that they have loved each other enough.
But a year... It is long enough to make a person feel tired. It is long enough to change a person's perception on something he used to believe in. It is long enough to make one feels confused. It is enough to make a confident person doubt himself.
Exactly a year ago, I was still wondering and feeling all excited about the life of a university student, just like a new born baby feeling excited about what life on earth can offer him.
I still haven't forgotten going to the internet goggling for the "Dos and don't s in college", asking friends who already had gone into colleges and universities to share out their experience and interesting stories, and I would enthusiastically listen to them and asked tons of questions; just like a child would excitedly listen to bed time stories and asked what happened to princes and princesses after the stories.
A year in university now. I have seen and experienced lives in university. I don't just listen to people's stories anymore. I am now a stories teller myself.
To be continued....
Sunday, March 20, 2011
1st post in 2011 (Time elapse)
Can't describe how time has passed. It is the 21th of March 2011.
This is the very 1st time I really sit down and decided to click into my blog page to post something on my blog again after almost 11 months not producing anything on it.
"Bahawasanya kami, pelajar-pelajar Universiti Sains Malaysia, Berikar...."
I could still remember waking up that morning unwilling, annoyed by the multiple alarms set by my roommate which shook me up from my comfortable sleep at 5.30 in the morning while I could still sleep for another half an hour or so.
Having brushed my teeth, I opened my closet and took out my white Alian Delon, my tailor-made black trousers, silky black Suave tie, leathery black belt and my nicely-polished black leather shoes which made me feel proud wearing them every time. I transformed myself from the PJ I was wearing into the outfit that I thought would had best represented me. Black and white. Simple yet classy.
The program on that day was a grand one. The committees of the event made us rehearsed for it a few times before this. The ceremony would started with the arrival of the VC, followed by the singing of the song of university and then the speech by the VC and then...
Back then, we were not really interested in the ceremony. For us it was just another made-compulsory-program that every 1st year student must follow. I could confidently say that most of the students were more interested in talking to the new faces sitting beside them while some would rather physically forced to stay in ceremony but mentally fantasized themselves laying on their cozy hostel beds. I was one of the former.
I was seated in between two new faces. Both looked smart and interesting. However I talked to only one. Turned out that I am now closer with the other one that I didn't talk to that day.
The ceremony finally started. The member of the hall stood up for the arrival of the VC. Followed by the song and then the speech and so on as planned and as rehearsed.
I would say the climax of the ceremony would be the student's vow. Everyone rose, prepared in the vow reading position with right hand raised and there went the oath:
"Bahawasanya kami, pelajar-pelajar Tahun Satu University Sains Malaysia, Berikar...."
I have to admit, the moment was glorious. Everyone had the fire burning in their souls. The fire of passion and determination; also the urge to prove to everyone sitting beside, at the front and the back that we deserved being selected by the university based on both academically and non-academically. We all believed that we were the best of the best.
9 months gone. Time has passed. So has that belief.
Looking at the picture that I have been tagged by one of my friends reminded me of the oath that I have forgotten; the little promise that I had whispered to myself during the ceremony.
"Today, I have finally become a university student. I will study hard, be an excellent student. Perform my best in everything that I do. Be extraordinary. Make my family proud."
Thanks to the friend who has tagged me on this picture. Now I have waken up from my sleep. The mist that was surrounding me is gone. I can remember the reason I am here in the 1st place.
Bahawasanya kami, Pelajar-pelajar Tahun Satu University Sains Malaysia, Berikar...
This is the very 1st time I really sit down and decided to click into my blog page to post something on my blog again after almost 11 months not producing anything on it.
"Bahawasanya kami, pelajar-pelajar Universiti Sains Malaysia, Berikar...."
I could still remember waking up that morning unwilling, annoyed by the multiple alarms set by my roommate which shook me up from my comfortable sleep at 5.30 in the morning while I could still sleep for another half an hour or so.
Having brushed my teeth, I opened my closet and took out my white Alian Delon, my tailor-made black trousers, silky black Suave tie, leathery black belt and my nicely-polished black leather shoes which made me feel proud wearing them every time. I transformed myself from the PJ I was wearing into the outfit that I thought would had best represented me. Black and white. Simple yet classy.
The program on that day was a grand one. The committees of the event made us rehearsed for it a few times before this. The ceremony would started with the arrival of the VC, followed by the singing of the song of university and then the speech by the VC and then...
Back then, we were not really interested in the ceremony. For us it was just another made-compulsory-program that every 1st year student must follow. I could confidently say that most of the students were more interested in talking to the new faces sitting beside them while some would rather physically forced to stay in ceremony but mentally fantasized themselves laying on their cozy hostel beds. I was one of the former.
I was seated in between two new faces. Both looked smart and interesting. However I talked to only one. Turned out that I am now closer with the other one that I didn't talk to that day.
The ceremony finally started. The member of the hall stood up for the arrival of the VC. Followed by the song and then the speech and so on as planned and as rehearsed.
I would say the climax of the ceremony would be the student's vow. Everyone rose, prepared in the vow reading position with right hand raised and there went the oath:
"Bahawasanya kami, pelajar-pelajar Tahun Satu University Sains Malaysia, Berikar...."
I have to admit, the moment was glorious. Everyone had the fire burning in their souls. The fire of passion and determination; also the urge to prove to everyone sitting beside, at the front and the back that we deserved being selected by the university based on both academically and non-academically. We all believed that we were the best of the best.
9 months gone. Time has passed. So has that belief.
Looking at the picture that I have been tagged by one of my friends reminded me of the oath that I have forgotten; the little promise that I had whispered to myself during the ceremony.
"Today, I have finally become a university student. I will study hard, be an excellent student. Perform my best in everything that I do. Be extraordinary. Make my family proud."
Thanks to the friend who has tagged me on this picture. Now I have waken up from my sleep. The mist that was surrounding me is gone. I can remember the reason I am here in the 1st place.
Bahawasanya kami, Pelajar-pelajar Tahun Satu University Sains Malaysia, Berikar...
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