Note to a friend I once called 'brother'

Hi, it has been awhile since we last contacted each other. I wish you are well.

Our friendship has been like this. Hot and cold. One minute, we were the best of friends in the eyes of others, another moment we were in cold wars. Our relationship is funny, don't you think?

Why was that? I didn't know.

If there is a middle person between us, I will tell that person that you are emotionally unstable, you are hard to understand, you wanted to avoid me, and I might even say, you are just insane.

You might want to complain to that person that I am finding fault with you, I never try to understand you, I always say something that provoke your feelings, I often try to test your temper and so forth.

But however serious our quarrels, we used to get back together as good friends again.

Sometimes, I really think many of the quarrels that we had were unnecessary. Some were caused by my jealousy, some were caused by your poor management of EQ.

We tried to improve every time. I changed to be a little less jealous while you worked on your temper. Bit by bit.

We both tried.

Anyhow, the root to the problem isn't solved. We still fight over small matters.

So where is the root to the problem? What caused all the quarrels and cold wars?

Bad communication would be the answer I suggest.

Let's admit that we are both flawed. You are bad in expressing yourself and just keep things to yourself while I am bad in understanding people and claim to understand everything.

Recently, I have read something on communication. To my horror, from the book, I have discovered how lousy I actually was as a listener. I hardly really listened to people. I only listened with the intention to comment and give advice to others. I assumed everybody's stories are like mine - like I have been through the same thing, the same situation and the same experience.

I often forfeit your right to express yourself by telling you my own stories, what I have experienced and how I successfully overcome the problems.

Maybe due to that, you have lost confident in me. You rather not talk to me about your problems and just keep them to yourself.

I really feel guilty for that.

Another reason why our friendship always fail is that - our relationship is not a win-win relationship.

There is always someone who needs to sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes it's me, and sometimes it's you.

We thought if we could just compromise for once, then the problem will be solved and the product is that we can save our friendship.

But the real fact is, we have headed for win-lose relationship.

We tolerated each others weaknesses in silence. We seldom voice it out because every time we did so in the past, we quarreled.

Every time we 'swallowed' our dissatisfaction towards the other, the needle of the time bomb clicked once towards the time of explosion.

I must said, we both have scarified in order to keep our friendship working.

Yes, we did make our friendship lasted a little longer but the price is, we are more and more prone to changing who we are just to keep ourselves together. We couldn't truly be who we are.

Until a certain stage, we repel each other in great force; just like what happened weeks ago.

The friendship we have cherished us in many moments, but it has also worn us out too often.

Until we can solve our communication problems and achieve win-win relationship, we will still reap the same frustration and anger if we get back too each other again continue doing what we have always done - compromise and pretend to forgive.

When win-win solution is not attainable. There is still another option.

Win-win relationship is a deal. Both parties get what they want and nobody have to scarify or extensively compromise to maintain the relationship.

Win-lose relationship is also a deal. One party has to constantly tolerate the other and compromise extensively to maintain the relationship.

The 3rd option would be. No deal.

No deal might be a good solution before win-win can be achieved.

No deal as in, nobody has to compromise nor scarify anything to maintain the relationship. Just set the bond free.

No deal doesn't mean we are not being friends with each other. We will still be friends, we will still talk and meet each other. Just that, we will never expect "best-friend-treatment" from each other anymore.

We will be free to be ourselves again. Never have to try to change ourselves to fit into another's behavior or temper.

Will we be best friend again?

Maybe.

Yes - If we can achieve win-win relationship. When we have gather enough faith in each other once again.

Even if we won't. I still believe you are a good friend.